Why Is It So Hard For Black Women To Find The Love They Deserve?
Therapy is helping me to change my toxic perception of men and by doing so I’m giving myself the opportunity to at least pursue the idea of being in a romantic, healthy relationship with a man. That’s not to say my therapist has advised me to lower all defences and head into all future relationships with my heart on my sleeve; self-preservation is still important after all. Having personal boundaries and a clear idea of what you will and won’t tolerate going into a relationship is a must, but learning to be vulnerable with a partner is important too. Witnessing my mum go through all of this made it hard for me to trust men, and it’s something I still struggle with today.
Although I would never knock hooking up, it has replaced dating and even relationships. Men don’t want to be with one woman only, if they have an entire buffet at their disposal. If we get straight to the point and skip the BS that’s only used to soften the blow of painful facts, we can admit it’s hard to find a good man. Even if we take our standards, expectations, and delusional hopes off the table and really look at the situation for what it is, we can clearly see that we are not to blame for the lack of good men. No, we have society who can take the blame for this one. The generation after them will expect technology and emotional integration.
If romantic love is what you want, don’t fool yourself into thinking all the good ones are gone – whether you’re into women or men or both. But we’ve brainwashed ourselves into thinking we need romantic love to be happy. Men, as well as women, feel the societal pressure to be a pair, to have a plus one at a dinner party, and to take care of someone until their dying day. It’s also about who you are as a person, and what you offer as a potential partner. You might be making basic social mistakes that most of us outgrow as teenagers, simply because you’ve gotten used to your bad habits and awkward quirks. Do the things you’ve always wanted to go — go travel, join hobby groups, experience new experiences.
There’s a great quote that gets to the heart of this question. “A woman can go to the bar, and if she really wants to, can leave with a man. A guy can go to many bars, and there’s no guarantee he’ll leave with a woman.” But what we’re doing here is just choosing the perfect car we want.
The experts agree that men who don’t want to change in most cases will not. For instance, research shows that males who’ve cheated are more likely to be unfaithful in future relationships as well, says Dr. Fugère. Evolutionary biologists would call “bad boys” hypermasculine, explains Michael R. Cunningham, Ph.D., professor and psychologist at the University of Louisville. “These men ooze testosterone, which leads to boldness and is associated with exaggerated sexuality,” he says. They may also be rebellious or emotionally unavailable, says Madeleine A. Fugère, Ph.D., professor of psychology at Eastern Connecticut State University and author, Social Psychology of Attraction and Romantic Relationships.
There are some gems out there, just like how some of you are saying you’re just as great. If you truly say who you are I applaud you, please stay that way. Focus your energy on career and building and the right woman may come, even if she does not you will have freedom, money and no distractions to enjoy your life. Speaking on behalf of women who are able support themselves, I think it’s totally understandable to look for a man who has a similar level of ambition and aptitude. Ultimately we choose men, not based on the things they can provide us, but on their ability to provide for our future children.